Being a Momma

As a young adult, I had a well scripted, perfect production of the life I would have. I had selfish dreams as to who and what my children would be. How they’d behave, what they’d do, and how they’d think. What a silly child I was. Children don’t conform to our immature little dreams. I had an idea how I would raise my  children, discipline, rewards, and those sorts of things. Society, though, has a very strong pull on how we raise our children as well as the life we end up living.  We seemingly don’t quite have the confidence to do our own thing, we follow the crowd, often to the detriment of our kids, our future society and to our own self esteem. I love my children dearly, they are my life and I pray that my new awareness and take on parenting will teach them to create healthy lives of their own.

First and foremost, it took me a long time to realize that my child is not me. That my children are their own persons. She’ll have her own opinions, likes, dislike, and beliefs. He will not necessarily be the “man” I want him to be, while still a child. Technology has become such a part of their lives, we can no longer shelter them from all danger and poison, and encourage our beliefs thinking they are the only and the best way. I had dreams for each of mine, so far, they haven’t complied to ANY of my desires. I’ve had to mourn those dreams, I’ve had to let go of my preconceived ideas of who they’d be. I’ve had to give them to Gods hand, to guide them.  I’ve learned to let them trudge their own journey even when some of their choices make my heart sad and I’ve had to make changes that they don’t like but our consequences of poor choices. Some of the choices, have also made me quite joyous as I would have never thought of some of their ideas. Along with allowing them to make their own choices, is to also allowing them to suffer the consequences when those choices are not good ones. I can pray that those consequences will teach them, not break them.

As a parent, watching my child hurt makes me hurt. Watching my boy feel fear and express it as anger, makes my heart ache to save him. I cannot save him, but I can teach him how to express his fear without violence. I can show him that behaviors he witnessed as a small boy are not necessarily the best ones to mimic. I am learning to teach as opposed to save him. Society is in a trend of saving our children from hurt, saving them from the harshness of the world. Teaching them to be a gentler more sensitive human, but with this we are not teaching them to function in a world that doesn’t give a shit how you feel. The world isn’t gentle. Its harsh cold selfish and mean. Now, I know, there are some great people out there. Embrace them, but we need to be teaching coping skills. Teaching them to deal with failure, consequences of their stupid decisions, and to step up and take responsibility for their bullshit. I do not write because I know how. I do not write this because I have mastered this skill of raising perfect children. I write because I struggle every day. I swing back and forth from wanting to save them from the world and teaching them to rule their world. It’s difficult. I spent the first half of their lives, saving and coddling them. I see the effects of such loose and negligent parenting. Negligent? Yes, that’s what it is. I was an absent minded, codependent mother, who didn’t take my place as their parent, I took the place of protector, liar, hider and coddler. We lived in survival mode most of the time and its hard to teach them lessons when their physical safety and emotion health is threatened. Much of the world is suffering from addiction and obsession and our kids are suffering the consequences of our behavior as parents. I thank God that I woke up to my situation and made changes. They have healthier parents today.

And while I’m speaking of God, I think that’s another aspect of family life that we generally have forgotten. Why is there no faith in families these days? Why are we not teaching our children that there is a God that loves them even more than I do? I believe if we brought the aspect back into our home of prayer and discipline because it’s the right thing to do, rather than the “I said so,” doctrine. It’s a lot easier to live life, with the  a God that loves you and will help you navigate. After leading a someone Godless, existence for most of my adult life, it’s refreshing but difficult to introduce teens and tweens to a God that they have a hard time believing in.

I struggle being that parent. I’m told a parent is not a friend to the teenager but it’s easier to be the cool mom. Its easy to let them experience whatever they want but is that the healthy adult position to take as a parent? As a cool mom, when shit gets serious, they don’t receive my seriousness as important.  When their well being is at stake, they don’t listen, they blow it off as though it was a friends drama. This cause great strife in our life. That’s not for me to judge except how it effects my life. I can see the damage that is done when there is little direction and little discipline and it’s a bitch to correct and there’s a level of respect that is lost. Society, some how, has made it wrong to tell your kids no, to hurt their feelings, to hold them accountable. Kids have equally responded. When life gets difficult for them, they panic. When life is unpredictable, they get anxious and unstable. When they’re told no, the throw temper tantrums and become demanding. When others make fun of them, or tease them or life isn’t kind enough, they commit suicide or cut themselves to feel pain, so they know they are alive.  Why?! I don’t know. Ask them why, they don’t know why either. When did this become the norm? My personal opinion is if kids are allowed to feel disappointed as small children they don’t have the ability to adapt as older children or adults. Why on earth would we want, as a society, to rob them of a most vital skill? Why wont we let them suffer a bit a littles so they know what to do? So they will know that sometimes, life sucks. And sometimes, most of the time, life is not fair. People wont comply because you are you. They need to know that although, they are very important as humans, and have a special reason to have been put on this earth, that I love them and God love them more, they are not and will not every be the center of attention in the great big world. When we don’t get our way, we take it as a hit, adapt and move forward. We let the disappointment sit and we pick our shit up and move on. People won’t always love us. That girl that we love with all our heart, may not feel the same and that’s ok. We don’t stick around and try to force another to stay if they dont want to, we go on our way, to whatever waits for us in the future. My new outlook will allow me to let my children experience joy, sadness, fear and disappointment while they are safely in my home and in my care, so that they will know how to handle those emotions when they are out in the world. This, in turn, with Gods blessing they’ll be successful, faithful, loving, resilient humans, that will live fulfilling lives.


Acceptance: not an easy feat

Have you ever been told that you need to accept a situation as it is? In 12 steps programs, we are taught that living in acceptance is an easier way to live than to fight against and try to make other people behave as we would like them to. Acceptance is allowing others to live as they choose. It is not approval. In the last 8 months, I have really been challenged in my life to live in acceptance. People just aren’t doing what I want and it make me insane, but there’s a better way.

I originally thought that living in acceptance was to allow people to live as they wanted and I just had to approve of what they were doing. This isn’t so. Living in acceptance is living in a manner that allows other people to live their life as they choose and accepting that I have no right to control them. Its also understanding that God has a greater plan and nothing happens without there being a lesson or a greater good. Even the most awful tragedies can have a better ending than I could have imagined if I’d just let God direct my life. Hurts and hardships can teach me to be resilient and teach me lessons that will benefit me and allow me to help others later in life when tragedy hits them. It allows me to have compassion for others because Ive been there. This is hard for me to see right now. The hurts that I have endured will hopefully be beneficial later, when life demands more out of me. When God needs me for a duty that I can be prepared for.

I have a difficult time understanding why God brought good people into my life and then took them away. I also worry that the person I hurt the most can’t move on and make a life for himself. I don’t like that I still keep him paralyzed from happiness although, I’m not there. I have a hard time with new chapters. My life comes in seasons, in chapters, in new roads and new adventures. Just when I think, I’ve got this. Here’s how my life will look. Here, I am comfortable. All is good and all is safe, life changes. The Yahtzee cup gets shaken and the dice are flipped. I am then again, stirred up, uncomfortable and scared. I am scared of change when I cant see what going to happen, when life is unpredictable, I get anxious and irritable. I get angry and spiteful and whoever is “responsible” for this change gets a taste of my bitterness. It can be hurtful and nasty, I keep it in my heart until I cant contain it…. It is a terrible kind of thinking.

I was once saved. Saved from a situation that was detrimental to my existence. I was broken. My soul was lost, I had pushed God aside. I had lost the ability to think for myself, to feel emotion, to make right decisions, to love, to care, to nurture. God sent an angel to save me. I was brought out of that emotional hell. I began feel loved, unconditionally. I felt safe. I was overwhelmed with the presence of the person. Few understand the depth of love you develop when someone invests so much into you, when you felt so very alone. I could finally accept that I deserved to be loved. This I could do, finally, as I felt very unlovable for years. I was comfortable and loved it. It was special to me, but I was draining her.

Unfortunately, as I healed and my 12 step program took root, I didn’t need this kind of nurturing any longer but I wanted it. For a time, I kept myself stagnant so I could continue to feel so much love. It wasn’t healthy. That kind of love and nurturing, although a great temporary situation, cannot last very long. One individual cannot maintain such a level of constant care to another. Its codependent and exhausting and an unfair expectation. The angel moved back, step out of the light to allow me to grow, she let go of my hand to force me to move forward. It felt scary. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I could not accept this and it has turned to intense pain emotionally. I have refused to allow God to do his work because of my selfish need to feel one kind of love. Some days, I’m great, others I’m ok and others I’m completely devastated by the loss. I feel alone, abandoned, unworthy and a burden. It often feels as though I got better and then got dumped. This is how my codependent, Alanon brain thinks. I feel empty. It is irrational.

I have observed that I don’t change when God suggests it. I don’t shift gears gently. I require an intense amount of pain before I finally give in. God has told me more than once that the current arrangement of me being dependent on one is no longer ok. Its obsolete. It’s time that I move on. It’s time for the angel to move on, she has other work to do and me lingering on is not his plan. I also have other work to do. I believe the angel has moved on. I was briefly pulled back in, and got my hopes up and then when things were better, I was released. Uhg, a repeat, never have expectations. I think I am moving on now. It’s hard. I am fearful that I will never feel that kind of love again. I am fearful of being alone, I dont mean romantically and Im rarely alone, but to have a confidant, a “person” a soulmate in a friend. I’m told that love like that can still be had but it may come from many people, not just one. One day I hate to be vulnerable and the next I just want to be held. It’s very confusing but God has a plan. I just have to surrender completely to him and trust that he will NEVER leave me alone. He has brought other wonderful people into my life, but I tend to keep them at an arms length. Do I take the risk?

The process of disconnecting makes my heart ache. I was part of something special. I wonder if she misses me. I wonder often is she is relieved. I wonder if her life is easier without me. I’m often tempted to say things that will push her away completely because the casual friendship, the fun friendship idea seems shallow compared to the intense conversations we once had, but those conversations wear on the soul, they bring you down. They create worry, and anxiety that cannot be long term. I want that friendship to last forever but it wont, it cant and the last thing I want to do is hurt her, so I keep my crazy mouth shut. I sustained as long as it could but I cant walk away, not on my own.

God has been working on me. I myself cannot live in acceptance without the help of a higher power. Its impossible. God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. This is all Him. Acceptance. How will I now live in acceptance? I heard someone say, When things come up in your life, move beyond acceptance. Reframe it as a privilege, reframe it as an opportunity for growth. I will reframe that relationship as a wonderful opportunity to have learned what love feels like and be grateful that it was given to me but will also grieve the loss. I will reframe my lost marriage to an opportunity to see what dangers are there when we don’t have boundaries and we don’t pay attention to our needs. I will accept that he will have to choose happiness. I don’t get to choose that doesn’t him. God has him in that moment for a reason. I have to know that everyone has a right to live their life on their own terms, whether or not it hurts my feelings or not. Whether I have hurt feelings or not. After I’ve made my amends, I no longer play a roll. My feelings are for me to attend to and manage and I too have choices of how to manage them. Everyone has a right to be around or not be whom ever they please. If it’s not me, than it’s not me. I have to be ok with it. If I choose not to be, I will only be hurting myself. Every time I hop on the self pity merry go round when it comes to this part of my life, I’m breaking my own heart again and again. I need to allow myself the dignity to move on. To understand that I too have a life to live and maybe that life doesn’t include all that I had. Maybe that season is over. It was amazing and lovely. It filled my heart with a love I hadn’t ever experienced. It showed me how a stranger can become the best friend you ever had and that those kind of relationships don’t always last forever. Living in acceptance is the ONLY way I can survive this. Living in acceptance can only be done with God at the wheel because I don’t know how to do this with dignity and grace.

I am powerless over others. I came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I have made the decision to turn my will and life over to that higher power that I call God. What I thought would be my life has changed many times in the last 3 years. None of it was my plan, none of it was what I specifically wanted. My insanity when I am not living in my program lies to me. It keeps me dark. I have to Let go. Let go of my pain. Let go of my fear. Let go of my need to keep people closely attached to me. As long as I hang on, God cant nudge me down the path he’d like me to go, then I have to take the hard way around. I am tired of the hard way around. There will be trials, there will still be pain, there can be joy, and peace and serenity through the pain if I will just live in acceptance and know that God is working for my greater good. Today, I have made the decision to walk away from my dependence and put my hand out to God and let him take me down whatever path he has chosen. I may kick and scream a bit…. but I’m willing to go, I’m sick of hurting.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation — some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

“Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my [alcoholism] sideways thinking, I could not stay [sober]sane; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

💜 x2

Im Rolling up the Doormat

Happy Holidays! Hope you all are well. Hope your Christmas hasn’t brought on the icky Christmas stress. Hope you can enjoy whatever your tradition is. If you don’t have one, make one, they’re important.

My Christmas’ in the last few years have been nothing but chaos. Traditions I had tried to create while I was married have all fallen apart. Alcohol brought stress, disappointment and anxiety while I was married. My life has been such a whirlwind, I haven’t made it special. To me, presents aren’t special. The special activities and events that happen at Christmastime are what it special to my with Family, friends, food, time and love.

This year will be special as we get to have Christmas morning with my Momma. She’s never had a Christmas with my kids so I am happy to spend this time with her and my brothers. I also plan to connect back with cousins who I have missed over the years. My lifestyle was too disconnected and dysfunctional for me to attempt to keep those ties strong. Life is different now, I am different now. My eyes see the importance of things that I was blind or fearful to see before.

This year, I will do what I want to do. I roll up the doormat that I have been for all of my life. I will not function out of guilt or manipulation or move to please others or not hurt feelings. Others feeling are theirs, if my motives are not to hurt, then I can leave them to sort their own emotions. I’m strong enough now to see what’s best whether others agree or not. I wont be participating in any events that I don’t want to, I will be honest and I will go see people that I’ve missed and others can have their choices as well. I will take my allotted time with my kids and allow my ex to have his. I plan to make the best of a fractured existence. I am thankful that our separate lives can still briefly merge for the kids. They need two parents whether together or not, they need two. They need both sides of their families; no side is more important than the other. If they choose as adults to choose sides, that their decision. I have missed so much life by isolating myself and my kids. I have young cousins I don’t know. This year we open that door again. We become family again. My doormat ways are over. I will do whats best for me and children.

2018 will bring us a whole new life. We begin again. I’m at the helm with God by my side and a clearer vision than before. I will no longer be influenced by the opinions of people who think they know better. I am a smart and courageous woman. I’m learning to see what I want. I am grateful for all who have caught me, held me, nurtured me, taught me and let me be me, even if it wasn’t ideal. I’m thankful to those who hurt me, broke my heart, blamed me, gossiped about me, those who let me struggle and fall on my face, thank you. I am blessed with a recovery program that teaches me how to live, to be kind but not a doormat. I be strong but not arrogant, to pray everyday, to bring God into every situation. A program that opened my eyes to see than I am special to God, just like you. That he has a plan for me, if I’d just shut my mouth and listen once in a while, he’d show me the way.  It won’t be easy because easy teaches us nothing but I am ready to launch, one more time. God has shown me the next step to take, he made it available. This time I’m better prepared and excited to grow. I am not fearful to be the best person I can be. 💜 Life is good. Onward and Upward

Emotional roller coaster of feelings

Three years ago, I had no feelings; Nothing mattered. Today I can’t seem to get a grip on the birrage of emotions I feel. Sometimes at the drop of a hat. My days are mostly good, Spirit filled and mindful. I keep uplifting music on to keep me centered. I meditate each morning. I try to be kind and intentional in my interactions with the public. I’ve tried to stray from gossip and keep my side of the street clean. 

My mood today was good. But somewhere this evening my mood swung deep and loneliness filled me. Had my dream happened as I had hoped, I would have been happily married 18 years today.

It is what it is. 💜 

My chapters will change and my life will shift. I have my God, I have a genuine heart, I have a 1000 blessings. My life is good. When the time is right and God sees fit, my life will change as its supposed to. I can rest in knowing Gods looking out for my best interest, even if the lonelies plague me for a while. I will feel my feelings, not get attached to them and let them go. 

Apparently, my self love is still in desperate need of maintenance. This shall be my focus. 💜 

The awkward art of making amends

Step 9 of the AA Big Book states: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” This step will provide you with peace of mind, relief and liberation from the chains of regret.

The readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.1

My life was filled with regret, with guilt and with shame. I knew I hadn’t been the best person I could have been, over the last 20 years. There was a lot of blame that I put on others for my behavior. I lived in fight or flight mode. All my actions were done under a kind of urgency to save my ass, to avoid confrontation and to keep the peace regardless of the consequences. At the time, I blamed the alcoholic and my living situation for my actions. There was always a reason why and rarely was it my fault. I did live in a survival mode and didn’t know how to rescue myself at the time. I felt trapped. Not finding relief earlier was my fault. Being a codependent came so naturally to me, I didn’t understand that it was harmful and that there was another way.

I found that way in Alanon. I also found that I cannot live in active alcoholism nor with an alcoholic because I am not strong enough to battle against my need to please. But finding a way to save myself doesn’t excuse me of my actions. It doesn’t relieve me of my consequences either. Admitting I am wrong and that my behavior was unacceptable is not easy, especially when confrontation makes me fearful. I have been learning to face fear and to move through fear and to trust my God to hold my hand as I walk through it I know that He will deliver me on the other side of fear

I have begun to make my amends to those in my life that I have hurt or done wrong. It brings me to tears some days, realizing how hurtful my behavior was, how selfish and dishonest I was. I look back and I am often filled with shame and heartache but I now have a way. A way to clear my side of the street, to address those things Ive done so that I can move on.

In all amends I am to address the things, events and behaviors that I participated in and make them right. I do not say that I am sorry, us people pleasers say that WAY too often but I say that I was wrong. I was wrong to treat you this way. I was wrong to be dishonest, I was wrong and how can I make it right. Yep. Scary phrase right there, “what can I do to make it right?” This opens up the door for consequences and possible fearful and awkward and stumble over my words. I fight through the years but I have a program and I have worked thru 8 previous steps that have got me right with my Higher Power. It has built me up to know what is appropriate behavior and to understand that it’s my responsibility to amend those wrongs. It seems harsh, it seems like I shouldn’t have to apologize for things that were reactions to other peoples behavior. I have learned that everyone of my actions are my choice, regardless of the why. I have to be held responsible to clear the shame from my thoughts. I have done 3 amends so far, and I must say that the feelings of being freed from the bondage of shame and self disappointment is so overwhelming its hard to put words to it. A thousand pounds lifted from my shoulders. I have several more to do, and if cleaning that part of the street feels as uplifting as the last part, I will be so greatly blessed. Blessed that I found a way of living that keeps my side of the street clear, my soul uplifted and my mind open and kind and free of shame…and gives the people I have harmed a sense of understanding that my motives were never to hurt although that what resulted.

“When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of Al‑Anon and Alateen always be there and LET IT BEGIN WITH ME.”💜




The winds of change never cease

I have said before that the warm wind on my face feels like that hand of God brushing my cheek in a loving touch of affection. Similar to a mother caressing the cheek of her newborn baby. I can close my eyes and visualize it. Its very calming for me and grounds me when my head is a whirl wind of thought.

But recently there has been a different kind of wind in my life, the winds of change. The constant shift of life lessons that continue to pummel my soul. Once I entered Step 7 and said the 7th step prayer, I was put in a position to see and address the defects that block me from my God given gifts. My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding. 

So as life moves forward, I am put in situations that show me the defects and give me opportunities to work to eliminate these behaviors. I dont believe that God just takes them, I do believe that God shows us how the defect hurts us and gives us the strength and courage to change, to choose another path. The push again the wind that we have just floundered around in for so long.


These situations tend to really frustrate me. My stubbornness keeps me from addressing it the first time, which leaves me open to be challenged again. I say, bring it on Lord, Ill get this eventually. I continue to break my own heart until Im hurt enough to address it. Seems to be how I work. I have fallen in love with people that I have no business feeling so deeply about, I have gossiped about people who do not deserve to be gossiped about, I have judged people who I had no right to judge. I have hurt peoples feelings out of jealousy and selfishness. I have hurt people trying to protect them from poison in my life, not knowing how deeply it hurt them. I have not been the best version of myself in a long long time. The shame of such behavior could be debilitating. But all of these uncomfortable situations, I can look at as challenges from my God, who has given me free choice to behave how i choose but to also be held accountable for these and a choice to also amend the hurt.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I am totally willing to take on these challenges, they all make me a better person. With my God, my program and my determination to make my life better, cleaner, more loving and serene I can do anything that God puts in front of me.

But sometimes my self will gets in the way, I have continued to stay stuck in places that I need to get out of. My need to feel loved right now, overpowers my knowledge that God loves me unconditionally. I’m good for a while, I keep the feelings at bay and give them to God, then all of sudden I’ve put myself where I shouldn’t be and I hurt me again. I need to quit yearning for things that I’m not supposed to be clinging to anymore. I continue to open a chapter that has ended in order to grasp at wonderful feelings I had, but they are no longer serving my best interest. I think I’m fearful that if I let go, Ill never have that again and that may just be true, I got what I needed when I needed it and now I can’t see the future and I cant see what God has planned and it makes me crazy. My faith wavers.

My living situation changes about every 6 months, this too makes me crazy, I want to be stable. I want predictability, I want routine but i also want the freedom to come and go without feeling guilty. The changes though, have taught me lessons that I needed to learn, like I can be self sufficient, that I have a strong urge to enable, that I need to move beyond my childhood fears, that I am an adult, that I am worthy and deserve to be happy. That I have unknowing hurt people and that I need to monitor my behavior. I have had to learn that its not my responsibility to keep people happy. That they can handle their own. The others feelings aren’t mine to take care of. That I can do whatever I want to or don’t want to. I can say yes or I can a say no. I have to learn that what other people think of me, doesn’t matter. That other peoples opinion dont have to be my instructions. That I am smart, logical, loving, and capable. I can make my own decision and be confident in them, I do not need another persons input. I am my own person, loved and accepted by the only one that matters, me.

Two years ago, I looked in the mirror. I looked deep into my blue eyes and all I saw was mistakes. I saw sadness. I saw failure. I saw disappointment. I saw my family, disappointed in my decisions over the last 20 years. I saw children that were unstable and frightened. I saw friends and family that I’d left behind. I saw my spouse, alone and confused by my actions that were now out of his control. I saw nothing good nothing positive. I was lost, guilt ridden, emotionally raw and sad. I had left a bad situation but it didn’t appear that the one I had, was any better.

Today, I looked in mirror. I looked deep into my blues eyes and I saw hope. I can see my future unfolding piece by piece and can be content. I see my Heavenly Father working. I see courage and love. I see a determination to make this work. I see my kids beginning to flourish. I see God in control. I see progress. I am not lost but I do get lost, but can find my way back fairly easily with a little prayer. I feel sad sometimes but I know how to feel it then let it go. I see an ability to do anything that God sees fit for me. I see light. I see an light that wasn’t there before, a light that was only a flicker, a light that was about to be extinguished. It shines bright now. I have a holy Spirit that hugs me daily, I can breathe. I can feel the wind on my face and know that even though they will continue to shift and my life will continue to change, my God it there to push me, to catch me, challenge me and take care of me. I have been given the best gift. The gift of recovery that has opened a spiritual connection that I have never known before. The chance to break the cycle of codependent living. The chance to not people please and to not let the opinions of others dominate my life choices because other humans and their opinions and advise are not my god. My God will give me my direction and I will follow.




I remember when I was a child Thanksgiving was always held at my grandmothers house. It was generally the same and always the same people. It was beautiful. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and that is probably why. Family, food, laughter, cousins and comfort. I was always comfortable there, always safe and never unpredictable. As I grew, and the family dynamics began to change, it wasn’t as predictable anymore. As my own life changed, I isolated from my family, my spouses Thanksgivings were deemed more important and rarely pushed to attend my own families celebrations.

Fast forward, 2017 and Thanksgiving approaches. Thanksgiving feels unimportant now but I still yearn for the comfort, the family, and the laughter. Its gone. I wont get that back..its a hard lesson to learn when its too late to fix your mistakes. Its hard when holidays are split between mom and dad. Although we could attempt to merge the holidays, I’m too stubborn. This year, I dont have my kiddos. I dont have the traditional Thanksgiving celebration available this year. My uncles passed away, my momma is just not feeling it this year, my sisters have their other families and I am working and dont have the money to put on a celebration anyhow. Its hard to not feel a little bit sad. I think that God has put me in this space so that I can see how much I lost in the past and that he has given me the chance now, to make better choices in the future.

I had Thanksgiving with friends and acquaintances this year. I think meeting new people and celebrating different traditions is good for a person, I really missed family this year. Next year will be different. The rest of my years will be different.