No compromise

Is there a time in your life where being independent changes you?
Is there a moment in time where you realize is ok not to be a partner?
When we turn our backs on the societal norm that we need to be part of two.
When does you heart finally understand that self love is enough?
Once you go there, once you no longer “need” another, can you go back?
Once you no longer have to take care of another adult,
When you no longer have to compromise, or check in, or care what anyone else thinks of your lifestyle.
How can you ever let go of that freedom once you’ve grasped it?
How do you return to a place of compromise? Not that I want to because today, I dont.
Maybe love allows us to give up some of our independence to allow another to join our world.
Maybe we compromise to be loved. Maybe we compromise to feel accepted. Maybe we compromise to be polite or kind.
I guess today, Im in a position emotionally that Im not willing to compromise.
I dont want to check in, I dont want to care for or be responsible for another adults feelings.
I dont want to share money, bills, time or space. Ive got to figure out how to do it on my own.
Ive become quite selfish when it comes to “my” life. I dont want to “go out.”
I dont want be nice, to save face.
I guess Im just gonna be a selfish bitch for a while. I’ve never been selfish before maybe its time.
I have a small circle of women that are precious to me and of course my family. But other than that, I’m keeping my space, living in my bubble, until I can figure out who and what I want to be.
And I am perfectly content without the complications of another.

Advertisements

Im not worthy

These words are thoughts
But rarely said
These Words are powerful
Even in my head.

I’m not worthy
I’ve hurt many
I’ve offered amends
And that should be plenty.

Forgiveness heals others
But my shame is tied
if they can’t move forward
my soul cries.

I’m not worthy
In this life
To feel happy
If others feel strife.

My program tells me
to Let it Go
Ive made things right
And now I should grow.

It aint that easy
when you were once their all
and when shit hit the fan
you stand; watch the empire fall.

I linger in the past
the road so curvy
I get lost in the pain
Im not worthy.

Serenity isn’t mine
Freedom can’t be mine
Joy can’t be mine
Im not worthy.

But God prevails
He takes my hand
Says it’s alright child
I’m in command.

Creature and Creator

Those you’ve hurt
They will heal
I still have lessons
Yet to reveal.

God tells me
Thru others voices
That I am worthy
Regardless of my choices.

As God holds me tight
And shows me the way
He Lets me wander
And then again, he molds the clay.

I make mistakes
the fog moves in
I feel unworthy
I’m useless again.

He pulls the blinds
And comforts me.
He shows me love,
says I’m worthy indeed.

But I’m not worthy
Is a dreadful phrase
Don’t take it as truth
don’t get lost the haze.

It may feel sour
the feelings that creep
I may spend hours
Hoping to fall asleep

There’s life to live
and love to spread
so it’s about time
I get outta my head.

 

that pesky little feeling

Have you ever had expectations of how you would feel about doing something, and when you’re done, the feelings you expected aren’t the ones you’re feeling? I am having some issues with feelings right now.
My heart has been hurt, as have most peoples, and I haven’t been able to turn those feelings back on. I want them and resist them at the same time. I’m a walking contradiction. Ive opened my heart a couple times and in the end, it was torn up. Lessons learned, growth ensued, Im better for it but now they’re lost.

Slowly over time I was told, indirectly, how to feel and when to feel it and if it was ok. Now as a grown up woman, I don’t find it easy to feel things without permission or validation. So when someones asks me, well, how do you feel? My answer is I don’t know. I am not trying to get out of answering, many times, I just don’t know. I have opinions and thoughts and advise, but where are the feelings. I can feel rage. I can feel fear. I can feel disappointment.
What can’t I feel right now is Love, acceptance, contentment, those feelings that make us vulnerable. The ones that leave us exposed. The ones that require trust. Those that require me to be accepting regardless of outcome.

Love is so complicated. Love should be simple. There are so many forms. Maybe it just means that I get to learn how to love people in many different ways. Some days it feels like I’ve missed the boat, like there’s a puzzle piece missing. Appreciation, I have. Gratefulness, I have. Flattery, I can accept in small amounts. I can give compliments, and mean it. I can give positive affirmations and mean it. I genuinely care about people and their well being but that deep feeling of unadulterated love, I ain’t got it, not yet.

The big fear is what if I never find it. What if I am incapable of finding that kind of love? What if I am unable to accept unconditional love? What if Im destined to stay on the outskirts of love? What if my kids never feel that kind of love, will it scar them, will they notice, will I pass enough of a mothers blessing that they can pass that love to their babies? Perhaps, I’m thinking way too much into this, perhaps is so much more simple than I expect it to be. I just pray that I give my children enough.

I cant find a step in my recovery to address this issue. Maybe it’s an issue that should be addressed in therapy. Maybe its not an issue and I just need to move forward with what I have but when love approaches and all I can do it cringe, there’s a problem. When I dance around the topic so dramatically and avoid it at all costs, something is off. Fear. All I can think is its fear. I’m scared. It’s not the time. My heart just isn’t ready for that. Maybe I just need to sit for now and not try to force things that I’m obviously not prepared to handle. I guess for today, that’s where I’ll leave it. I may not be missing anything, maybe it’s just not time for such a thing in my life. To miss love would be a loss unknown. To force love would be a worse tragedy. To not be authentic to myself would be death to the soul I’m striving to fill. I will wait, I will not force solutions, I will live in today, I will not put acceptance from others or the happiness of another above my own. To thy own self be true but life seems easier without the complications of another’s feelings or well being..I am apparently not yet healthy enough to approach that head on and that is ok for today.

I think that as I learn, through prayer, meditation and personal step work, to love myself that I will be more capable of loving others in a more pure, authentic way. I’m fearful but God has shown me love, I will ask for the ability to love, the courage to show my love and the strength to accept love without fear. No fear of the tit for tat, the keeping it even, the, if I do for you then you do for me mentality that I seem to default to. Friendships, family relationships and romantic relationships should never teeter on that. It should be a two way street but never should a record of wrongs or rights be kept. Even knowing that, I do keep the record because I have never been able to even keep the score even. It has made feel inadequate. It has made me think that I’m incapable of being a good friend because I can t keep the score even and definitely can’t surpass the score and be a most excellent friend. Isn’t that screwy?! Thats sounds so unbalanced and yet that where my head travels. Ill never be a better friend.

My program has led me to a relationship with a God who loves me unconditionally. It has made me want to push myself to be a better woman. I have to give my self worth and confidence in his hands so He can mold me. He can lead me through my program and fully restored my being in a way that pleases Him.

Life should be simple. It is not.

His Release

One year ago my friend was taken
He was held captive
Blame is irrelevant
The fear of death was real
So many details
So much evil
So many tears
When he was released
He was different
The experience broke him
The friend love Id developed for him was real
I feared for him
Ready to be a better friend
To be 100% supportive
To be open and vulnerable
I had prayed and journaled
I would be there for him
Then he vanished
Left my eyes
Left his life
Where he went made things worse.

My friend, you’ve changed
You are no longer the man I knew
It breaks my heart
I open my heart for you
you broke it, you betrayed my trust
Trust was hard, It doesnt come easy
Without you even knowing
You destroyed a part of me
But I am resilient
You must go, I can no longer participate
Toxicity is a poison
I will not have it
I pray for you
I pray for your heart
I pray the best for you
I still love you
but I cannot be touched by the poison again.

Me

my circle grew
my circle shrank
my circle disappeared
life got tough
I was alone
there was too much space
God reaches out
because I am lost
sent a angel in skin
wakes me up
my circle grew
my circle shrank
I make her my God
not his plan
I was absorbed
obsessed
I felt loved
God took her back
she is His
it breaks my heart
wakes me up
I lean in
what He wanted?
Me
my circle grows
my angel is gone
my heart is weary
I am cautious
I make space
my pain runs deep
my love is deeper
my circle shrinks
God is my center
I keep Him close
and the circle small
I no longer want to hurt
but pain is required to see
that all God wanted was
Me

 

“I grabbed my phone
When life events happened
But immediately realized
You’re not my line
Appropriatly so but
I was bummed.
It hurts each time
I want to share
And you are not there.
Life sucks sometimes,
the universe speaks
And that’s it
space is created
The chapter ends.
But what’s the choice?
Misery or Acceptance?
I choose acceptance.
But I miss you.”

KA 💜

I found my gift

Compassion runs deep
A gift I possess
I often don’t touch it
it leaves me a mess.
I was once told I have a heart that bleeds
for those around me and for those who need.
I’ve stayed quite far from being like this
because being so soft I am quickly dismissed.
A woman that knows me
like no one else
told me to use it
as it only makes sense.
Why would you try
to use skills that are foreign
when channeling love
is clearly a the door in
to the use your natural gift from above
to allow you to lift the hurting, the broken and unloved.
I often don’t seek
compassion to use
as you’re thought to be weak, muddled, bemused.
Use it to soften
the harshness of the world
Your kids have been broken,
they need to be heard.
Frustration in them can turn to fire
but kindness and patience
is what kids desire.
If you’re incapable of being a punitive parent
then listen and love and try being transparent.
This will build trust and teach them the skill
of loving not fighting when life’s orders we fill.
Making threats of violence
that will not be followed thru
will only make you a mothering fool.
And what do the threats of violence show,
that hitting and screaming is how life goes.
Compassion’s a skill that I possess
it could rage like fire if I let it progress.
Its a God given gift to see thru the matter
and see love as it is, even among the tattered.
She says try something different
defuse before they blow
don’t use hurtful words
only chaos will show.
If peace and serentity
is what you desire
then teach the young ones to resolve without fire.
Teach them compassion and love for another
be the example it is a teacher like no other.
Counseling and drugs and worldly solutions
don’t always resolve effects of conditions
that broke their hearts and made then wary,
the goal of self protection is their primary.
So sweet girl take off the harsh mask
and finally do what your God asks.
Anger and threats, they don’t serve your soul,
that wasn’t Gods plan, that’s not your roll.
So pause every time
Let God do the driving
You will soon see, with Him
your lives will start thriving.